Dear reader,
Please do me right now. On the kitchen table. In your bed. On the couch. Shoot, I’ll even take the floor in front of the T.V. I don’t care, I just need you to do me like I’ve never been done before.
Dear sneeze,
Please come out of my nose already.
Sincerely, my about-to-sneeze face looks weird.
Dear drivers,
We are pleased to announce we now accept payment in the form of: An arm, a leg, 50% of your yearly salary, your first born child or your soul.
Sincerely, your local gas station.
Dear hypocrites,
Please stop thinking that just because you go to church it makes you Christian. That’s about as valid as standing in a garage and calling yourself a car.
Sincerely, I can see right through you.
Dear natural selection,
If vegetables are so good for us, why do our taste buds hate them so much?
Sincerely, anonymous.
Dear chicken and the egg,
Does it really matter who came first? Because I win anyway.
Sincerely, the frying pan.
Dear crazy ex-girlfriend,
What were you smoking when you thought telling me you were pregnant for April Fools and drawing it out the whole 24 hours was a good idea.
Sincerely, good bye.
Dear Facebook,
Thanks for making the word “friend” so meaningless.
Sincerely, 3480 “friends.”
Dear Christians who protest everything,
Please go back and reread your Bibles. It’s “love thy neighbor” not “condemn thy neighbor to hell just because you don’t agree with them on something.”
Sincerely, a loving Catholic girl.
Dear J.K. Rowling,
Your books are entirely unrealistic. I mean, a ginger kid with two friends?
Sincerely, anonymous.
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